We have one of those toasters in our canteen at work that slides around and around so very slowly, singeing one side of your bread, leaving the other side anemically pale. To celebrate the run-up to Easter the canteen has been stocked with hot cross buns, so I sliced one in half, popped it in the toaster and cranked the dial round to ‘fast’. It sailed into the toaster, one droopy piece of bread hanging languorously from the bun. As it reached the glowing orange bar, it rested for a moment on the element. Then it burst into flames.
Oh no, oh no, oh no. Setting their toaster on fire would not endear me to the canteen staff.
In flames, my hot cross bun sailed slowly onward into the belly of the toaster.
Long story short: the canteen didn’t burn down, I managed to hide the burnt carcass of my hot cross bun from the staff, I paid for a hot cross bun that was, at best, half-edible and I ended up retreating to my desk to lick my wounds (and my slightly burnt fingers).
I must admit I felt a bit of a fool. Which is timely (see what I did there?). So, for April fools’ day, I wanted to share with you a short collection of foolish events that have happened to me and my friends. All of them are, sadly, true. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.
It once took me three attempts to realise that the fence I was trying to lean on was electrified. Three attempts. Shocking.
As a summer job I once worked for a short while as a dustman. On two separate occasions I managed to empty not just the contents of the wheelie bins into the back of the dustcart, but the wheelie bins themselves. Twice. In one morning. I was not asked back for a second day.
On a trip to London as teenagers, my friends and I were accosted by some locals. “Giss’a nugget” one said (which loosely translates as “give me a pound coin or I’ll punch you in the nose”). Thinking on his feet, one of my quick-witted friends replied “I’m sorry, I only carry notes”. Genius.
Part way through a long car journey, I decided to stop in Dorchester for a break. I immediately got stuck in a traffic jam that took me twice around a one-way system in sweltering heat. A one way system that apparently has no exits. I left forty minutes later without ever having found my way into the town centre. I’ve heard Dorchester is quite nice.
A good friend of mine once persuaded me to go to a Toploader concert. Enough said.
Those were my moments. Is there anything you would like to get off your chest? Please share your stories, if only to make me feel better.