What a fool

We have one of those toasters in our canteen at work that slides around and around so very slowly, singeing one side of your bread, leaving the other side anemically pale. To celebrate the run-up to Easter the canteen has been stocked with hot cross buns, so I sliced one in half, popped it in the toaster and cranked the dial round to ‘fast’. It sailed into the toaster, one droopy piece of bread hanging languorously from the bun. As it reached the glowing orange bar, it rested for a moment on the element. Then it burst into flames.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Setting their toaster on fire would not endear me to the canteen staff.

In flames, my hot cross bun sailed slowly onward into the belly of the toaster.

Long story short: the canteen didn’t burn down, I managed to hide the burnt carcass of my hot cross bun from the staff, I paid for a hot cross bun that was, at best, half-edible and I ended up retreating to my desk to lick my wounds (and my slightly burnt fingers).

I must admit I felt a bit of a fool. Which is timely (see what I did there?). So, for April fools’ day, I wanted to share with you a short collection of foolish events that have happened to me and my friends. All of them are, sadly, true. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It once took me three attempts to realise that the fence I was trying to lean on was electrified. Three attempts. Shocking.

As a summer job I once worked for a short while as a dustman. On two separate occasions I managed to empty not just the contents of the wheelie bins into the back of the dustcart, but the wheelie bins themselves. Twice. In one morning. I was not asked back for a second day.

On a trip to London as teenagers, my friends and I were accosted by some locals. “Giss’a nugget” one said (which loosely translates as “give me a pound coin or I’ll punch you in the nose”). Thinking on his feet, one of my quick-witted friends replied “I’m sorry, I only carry notes”. Genius.

Part way through a long car journey, I decided to stop in Dorchester for a break. I immediately got stuck in a traffic jam that took me twice around a one-way system in sweltering heat. A one way system that apparently has no exits. I left forty minutes later without ever having found my way into the town centre. I’ve heard Dorchester is quite nice.

A good friend of mine once persuaded me to go to a Toploader concert. Enough said.

Those were my moments. Is there anything you would like to get off your chest? Please share your stories, if only to make me feel better.


10 thoughts on “What a fool

  1. I once took my daughter to Theatre Royal Norwich to see a Paddington Bear show. On arrival I discovered it was playing in Bury St Edmunds! Staff were very kind gave me free tickets to see Treasure Island and from there we went to Bury St Edmunds where the staff at the Norwich theatre had arranged for tickets to see Paddington in the evening! Some times it pays to be foolish!

  2. As a young teen, I was taken by my Brother to see a fantastic concert at the Southampton guild hall, my first concert – It was The Eels live. What an experience, what an event! The second time my Brother took me to see a concert it was well…… TopLoader…. Amongst being mobbed by swarms of screaming girls (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, not screaming for me) I spent the entire evening shouting “Great Perm!!!” to the lead singer after every song. The screaming girls did not find this amusing!! Unlike you it seems, I have managed to block most of that concert from my mind!! That was certainly a long time ago! I wholeheartedly remember however the Dustbin incidents!

    Last year I caused a huge tailback at the Liverpool Tunnel as I made several catastrophic mistakes at the Toll. In a confident mood I suggested that we play the toll booth game by driving the car very slowly towards the barrier and timing the throw of the coins into the automated machine so that you carry on driving and the barrier lifts just in time! Something that i have quite some considerable experience!! However Catastrophic or foolish mistakes did arise:

    1. I threw the coins with such vigor that one of the coins bounced out of the coin net
    2. knowing I done so, slammed on what I thought was the break and instead hit the accelerator giving the barrier and incredible whack.
    3. In attempting to rectify the situation I reversed form the barrier and in doing so reversed the nearside wing mirror into the coin collector and straight off the car onto the floor.

    All in all I had to get out, collect my wing mirror, and my scattered coin, reinsert the coin into the machine and limp off with severely damaged pride. I certainly do not play such foolish games anymore. What makes this worse is that It was in a work vehicle with other work colleagues in the car, who incidentally took great pleasure in recounting to the rest of the staff team. Fool!!

  3. Pingback: Running Buffet’s Discourse on Hot Cross Buns with Numerous Illustrations | Running Buffet

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