Guess Brew, number two

You may remember that I am pioneering a new kind of beer review. Primarily this is because I realised that I was pretty rubbish at writing traditional ones; a problem that presented me with two options:

  1. Get better at writing beer reviews
  2. Create your own kind of review, helpfully bypassing all of your cliche-ridden problems by just making stuff up as you go along.

Obviously I went with option two.

As a quick recap, the idea is that you don’t need to worry about what the beer tastes like, smells like or how it pours. No need to concern yourself with mouthfeel, molasses or malts. It is all about the impression the beer gives. We are talking beers personified, anthropomorphised and just plain brought to life. If this beer walked up to you in a pub, who would it be? What would it like? Would it even talk to you? And that’s a pertinent question for our first contender: Ultimate Stout from the Bristol Beer Factory…

This guy is a beefcake. He is the one in the too-tight tee shirt. He is trained and toned and in tip-top shape. To be honest, he is probably not going to talk to you. But – and is this jealousy talking? – he is just a bit too buff, a little too large. Although you can admire the effort involved, and you are certainly not going to argue with him about it, it does seem as though strength is his main thing.

Now, I’m not saying that there is nothing else going on. He is probably very successful at whatever he does – could be a stockbroker, a sailor or a salesman – but this guy is all about the abs. That’s fine for a bit, but there is only so much flexing you can take. You are not going to be spending all night talking to him. Or, more likely, he is not going to spend all night talking to you.

You turn away to find your second beer sitting in the corner. He is an Old Slug Porter from the RCH Brewery. He looks a little older than middle aged and is quietly cultured in that way that means that he has probably read most of the books in the reviews section of the Saturday paper. There is a good chance he has seen some of the plays as well. This is a guy that doesn’t stop off at the pub too often; he is a once-a-week bloke at best. He would stand a drink for anyone he knows – and he isn’t above accepting one in return – but he won’t stay to talk for too long; he fades into the background after a while. He is not the life and soul, although don’t let anyone say that he cannot have a good time.

Plus, he would probably be ace at the pub quiz.